Our Future of Normalcy
by unbrokensaviorwithperfecthair
Summary: Emma was scared of her future with Killian because a future meant normalcy, and normalcy always got those she loved killed. Emma wasn't going to risk that with Killian, until he reminded her just how badly she wanted a future with him. The flame was lit, and everything was great until it wasn't. Captain Swan fluff and angst. Spoilers for 5X08.


A/N: so this is just a quick think I wrote while procrastinating my Bio homework. I didn't do a thorough proofread, so I apologize for any mistakes. Reviews are not expected but greatly appreciated.

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Emma Swan felt crazy. She should be elated, but instead, she was terrified. They had Excalibur and the dagger. All she had to do was ignite Prometheus's ember and turn it into a flame. It was so simple, yet so hard. She _wanted_ to get rid of the darkness. She wanted everyone to stop looking at her like she was going to snap at any second. She briefly wondered why it was only when there was a possibility she'd go dark -even when it was just the Lily Crisis and not as serious as it was now- that anyone other than Killian started wondering how she was doing emotionally. Killian, God bless that man. Even on their normal days in between disasters he'd always ask her "how are you?" in that serious yet loving tone with shining eyes that always made it known to her he wanted to know more than just how her day was going. The one that made her heart melt because she _finally_ had someone who cared about her wellbeing even though it didn't immediately affect them. He genuinely wanted to make sure she was happy and as least stressed as a sheriff and savior could be, and for that, she would never be able to convey her gratitude.

Her thoughts wandered back to the reason she was even thinking about it at all: the darkness. She had to get rid of it, and she knew it. She wanted to go back to Storybrooke and hopefully have things be as normal as possible. But normal for her never worked out. Normal got a ten year old boy to show up on her birthday and drag her to a town where fairytales really did exist. Normal got the first man she'd let through her walls in ten years killed. Normal got her son's father killed. Normal got them all re-cursed. Normal turned out to be a flying monkey spying on her and her son. Normal got her turned into the Dark One.

Normal never worked out for Emma, or for the people she cared about. It only, inevitably, led to heartbreak and pain. After Neal let her take the fall for his crimes, she'd thought she could handle anything that came her way. She'd vowed to never trust anyone again and that next time, she'd be stronger. A few weeks later, with a positive pregnancy test in her hand, she _knew_ she'd have to be stronger for the sake of her unborn child. Nine months later, after her son's cries faded as the doctor carried him down the hallway, Emma knew she could handle anything because she'd just survived the most painful experience of her life and deep down, she knew she wasn't talking about the act of giving birth. So she finally acknowledged that she loved the baby she hadn't allowed herself to lay eyes on, and that yes, giving him up had been the worst pain she'd ever felt. When she was once again sitting in her cell, she decided that pain could only hurt her if she let it, so she put another wall up and made herself stronger. That was the day she realized feeling nothing is an attractive option when what you feel sucks. So she decided to feel nothing from then on… which worked fine until a little boy with her color eyes that shined with Neal's mischievousness dragged her away from her cupcake and into Crazyland. When hot chocolate –with cinnamon, of course- made its way to her, she'd steeled herself against the sheriff's kind eyes and welcoming lilt. It turned out she was too eager to shut him down. A few weeks later, those kind eyes and welcoming lilt broke through her defenses and she decided that maybe, just once, she could make an exception. For the first time in ten years, she opened herself up to the idea of normalcy, only to be hurt by gasping breath and buckling knees. And so she put her armor back up, more convinced than ever that she should never let anyone in.

Two years later, she decided dark hair and Irish accents should be illegal. With a bootlace firmly tied around her wrist and a swan pendant around her neck, she knew this time, nothing the blue eyed pirate threw at her would break her down. She had to be strong if she wanted to be safe. This time, it wasn't kind eyes or an accent that won her over: it was his steadfast faith in her and his loyalty to her. He was like a boomerang and the harder she threw him away, the faster he came back. Then her first love ended up back in her life and things got complicated. Then she got her wish. As he, too, lay dying in her arms, she knew that for the sake of the blue eyed man she'd grown fond of, she had to keep him away. If only she hadn't been weak and brought Henry home herself, the other two men wouldn't have died. She had to be strong this time. She should have known that he wouldn't give up unless he knew she didn't want him –and pretty much the entire town knew she wanted him. So he kept fighting for her and proving to her he wasn't going to leave. So she gave him hope that she felt the same. It all went to Hell pretty soon after, and once again, she was separated from those she loved. Soon enough, they were reunited, but it scared her shitless. It made her realize how much she loved all of them. She had to try to kill her almost fiancé, a man she did in fact love. The loss hurt, something she only revealed to her pirate. They never talked about it again. She used it as another reminder of why she shouldn't let people in, because every man she'd ever loved died. He promised her he wouldn't. She believed him and let him in. They were happy. Everything was normal, and for once, Emma thought it would be okay. She let him see her softer, vulnerable side, deciding that with him, she didn't have to be as strong as she wanted everyone to think she was. And then she had to be. She had to give all her happiness up to save everyone from the darkness.

So no, normal never worked out for her or for anyone else. Which is why the prospect of being normal and having her boyfriend and son and family in her life scared her more than any Dark One's ghost ever could. A future meant normalcy. Normalcy meant pain. And Emma really didn't think she could take any more pain. And it sure as hell didn't help to have everyone constantly telling her how strong they think she was. Because if they only knew how wrong they were… she wondered if they'd still be trying to rid her of the darkness.

Luckily, she didn't have to explain all of that to Killian. He understood that she was scared, and that was all he needed to know. She felt secure in his embrace and let herself forget her worries. She decided what she wanted was a life with him. And the ember turned into a flame, and she thought everything would be okay.

Until it wasn't.

He was dying, and she didn't think she could survive losing him. Emma once thought she was invincible, a combination of many a drunken night and her own early-twenties stupidity. Without her red leather jacket and boots, Emma felt very small and fragile. Killian always made her feel better when she felt like this. But now he was bleeding out right in front of her, and the only thing she could do was for the first time in her life was be weak and make the bad choice.

So out on a field of flowers that once symbolized hope, a new dark one was born while the other made the final transition into darkness.

Killian's final mortal words to her rang in her ears and every time she wanted to give in to the darkness and snuff out the light, she grit her teeth and stayed strong while she tricked her mind. She continued with her plan. She would get them all out of this.

And then Zelena once again made shit hit the fan. Normal was even farther out of reach.

So was her future with Killian, and that hurt.

Standing there, paralyzed by squid ink, Emma Swan remembered why she didn't do normal.


End file.
